"I am... "

I'm the air that blows on your back on a sticky summer night,
I'm the skip of a heartbeat on your first frightened flight,
That comforting warmth of a sip of whisky in the winter cold,
When you thought life was but hopelessness, I'm that flicker of hope,
I'm the tease of a smile in your child that is 3 days old,
I'm the wind that's blowing you towards unfound gold,
I'm the last strand of strength when you thought you can no longer hold,
I'm the best kept whispered secret that no one has ever told,
In the corner of a heart dying in disbelief and hate,
I'm the birth and survival of that hint of faith,
When the roof is caving in and the walls are closing,
I'm the earthquake that swallows you and saves you from within,
I'm the hand on your back when you need to go on with your fight,
The firefly next to you till you reach the end of a tunnel without light,
I'm the vision of your mother who no longer tucks you in to sleep tight,
And the twinkle in the angel's eyes that take away your bad dreams at night,
I'm the very last sip of water after your spiciest bite,
That voice in your head that's screaming not to lose sight,
I'm the miracle cure of your every lil' unwell cell,
And the magic in the first love that you couldn't tell,
I'm the sound of the first thunder when you are caught in a forest fire,
I'm the tune of the rushing river when you're weak with thirst and hunger,
I am not unseen yet not visible, though I do not hide or die,
You don't see me, you did not look, no... you didn't even try,
Recognise me for who I am... for I am greater than all that you can imagine,
I am that last force that has been with you from your very beginning......

It's you that I fall for....

-there's a gleam in your eyes when you are cooking. you seem to be equally comfortable with a ladle in your hand in front of the stove... as you are with a mouse in your hand in front of a computer. Computer whizz or Indian chef....? I cannot decide.

-your eyes keep darting to my plate as soon as you finish your food. your fingers are waiting for my "want some..?". are you a food stealer or my personal weight watcher? I cannot decide.

-a smile breaks across your face at the mention of cricket. you sometimes bowl an invisible ball in our living room. I can imagine you as a red-mud covered 10 year old boy, fielding like a pro. A child that never grew out of the game or a religious cricket fanatic? I cannot decide.

-with a worried look after finding a single strand of white hair, you stand and stare at the mirror, troubled. Should I tell you to laugh it off or tell you about the other 10 white strands at the back that you can't see? I cannot decide.

-the destitute look on your face when you have to iron a shirt. you can wash the car, do the dishes and clean our house, all in a blink of an eye, yet cry to iron a shirt?? is it a new undocumented phobia or some kind of selective laziness? I cannot decide.

-an amaaaaa.....zing voice. And amazing speed at which you create your own lyrics (as you sing along) when you forget the words of a song. An undiscovered lyricist or an amnesic singer? I cannot decide.

-the loud laughter I hear when you are watching a silly comedy. Yet you did not see the "funny" in our accident, when our newly serviced Civic was "accidentally" parked upside down on the hill. That was a funny "crash"! Narrow sense of humour or natural defence mechanism? I cannot decide.... lol

-stubborn, splenetic, stoic silence when in hunger.... loud, cuckoo, maniacal when with cousins... comical, philosophical and multilingual when sloshed. Multiple personality or manipulative? I cannot decide.


so many things yet to discover.
tiny details of another september that I'd remember forever.

a man of principles, complex contradictions, a shy smile and great hair. :-)
you made it so easy for me to fall in love with you....
my floor has been slippery from the day I met you....
..... you make me fall... again... and again.... and again.....

happy anniversary, D.

A letter from.....

Hey there missus, may I ask you "how do you do?",

Here I am writing a letter that wouldn't reach you,

In a place where the skies are always light blue,

But no telephone, no postbox, no communication tool.

60 odd years that I had to spend with you,

Those last 60 days that I had to put you through.

I heard every single word, felt your every light touch,

Though my dear blur one, you hadn't the faintest clue.

The morning paper always found its way to my breakfast table,

You somehow knew that without it, I just couldn't do,

For 60 mornings when my body had refused to move,

I heard your voice reading me every page of news, 

Silly woman, you read even the weather forecast too.

Your voice was the balm to all my aching wound,

I hated the sound and smell of my hospital room,

But the moment you walk in even before sunrise, I knew,

I'll be comforted till twilight by the smell of your perfume,

& listening to the soft sounds you make when you gently move,

I looked forward to the caresses of your callused palms,

How they were simply made to perfectly fit mine,

Through our slippery path and rough rides through time,

You were my unseen strength, my hidden source of calm.

You apologized, that our Alan ain't smart like the rest,

Well, he has always been the dullest in our little nest.

He takes after your father, I realized later, no fault of yours nor mine,

It's random gene selection, probability was a little unkind.

I see you now, walking around our house looking for things to do,

Is your knee troubling you? You have 3 legs now, not 2...

Stop checking the doors again and again... like you always do!

I sit on our porch at night, no harm will come upon you.

When the time comes for you to say your last goodbye,

Don't hold back, don't try to breathe and please don't cry.

Trust me on this, this one time you'll love to lose the fight,

It's the  answer to the wish you made to the stars last night,

I'm coming to take you with me in about a fortnight,

To a place where the moonlight shines through daylight,

Once again we'll laugh till we cry, we'll fight, we reunite,

Our new life begins, my dear, the minute after you die,

Come here... love me just the way you had loved me till my death,

Come here.... let me love you the way I had till my very last breath.

paranoia......

"Ok, boss. See you tomorrow...... ;-) "

The short message had given her a tiny jolt last night.

Friendly wink? Cheeky wink?

She did the next sensible thing. She checked his other folders.

SENT ITEMS : EMPTY

OUTBOX : EMPTY

DRAFTS : EMPTY

There's something that she was missing. It was woman's instinct. 

Reading between the lines was exhausting. And now, 19 hours post-message-reading, she was drained....after another day with Trish, listening to her complain about her apparently cheating husband. A husband whom she had no intentions of confronting. It was difficult to lend a shoulder to cry on to a friend who doesn't cry. Tears that are shed within are but wasted water, a weapon that could have easily been used against a man. Yet dangerous... like internal hemorrhage. The damage can never be easily assessed, until it is too late for a save.

The 5 worded message was like an ant-bite on her cortex. Small and stinging, persistently and painfully itchy, inconveniently unreachable.

Tiny things that were overlooked were acquiring new meanings.

His "staying back at work" for an hour or two.

His conversation 2 days back that consisted only of "ok", "ok" and "ok. Don't worry. No one will know."

The deleted sent items folder on his phone.

She recognized the girl's name, it was his new colleague. At least she deserves a point for remembering.

Any woman of today would do this, she thought to herself and logged into Facebook.

She was in his friend-list alright.  Score: 2/0

Her photos were not for public viewing. She logged into his account and clicked on the witch's "album". Score: 3/0

(somewhere along the way, the "she" had become a "witch")

She inhaled sharply, hands turned cold and her feelings were hot coal.

Screw the score, this was war.

148 photos. Witch was a cross-breed, Chinese mother and an Indian father.

Good complexion. Nice figure.

Her own plans of making dinner flew out the window and swam under the door. If she skipped dinner, she can save herself the much un-needed calories.

The mercury level of her temper-meter was rising like there was no ceiling. Heart thumped against her chest, head pounded with an unbound fury and curses that she hadn't voiced out, being alone at home.

She felt a desperate need to punch the witch, and him, or at least the wall. She slammed shut the laptop instead. After all, it was his laptop.

The fact that the witch had amazing hair did not help one bit. Anger that was previously directed towards the witch had now turned to him. Targeted and locked. It was consuming her as she sat staring at the tv that she wasn't watching, waiting for him.

HIM......

Driving through this hell after work is like.... well, HELL!! Every Tom, Dick & Harriett has a car now and has decided to flood the highway today. All at the same time! Gotta leave early tomorrow morning.... Have to run through the presentation once. Hope Eric has reviewed and mailed the final copy.... Damn! Internet bill!! F*CK! Forgot to cash in the rent! Ah, hell! Will make an online transaction. If those idiots have not disconnected my line, that is. Have to call Leena and remind about the remaining scripts. *sigh* or maybe I'll just complete it myself tomorrow. MY GOD! How can someone with Indian AND Chinese genes be so slow and dense. Ok, not that bad, maybe semi-permeable. Doesn't understand anything assigned to her, what she is doing and why she is doing it. But is very good at complaining about her boyfriend and his mother and his dog. Argh! Women!

Why the f*ck is this lane so damn slow?! Great, traffic light is fucked. Excellent timing....

My neck is killing me. Is there aspirin at home? Have to stop by at 7'eleven. 7...er.... oh yeah,7th is her brother's b'day. Must call. Remember... remember... Don't want another my-family-is-important lecture. Did I leave my external hard-drive at work? Nah... don't think so. Bloody c*ck!!! hey, hero....!!! Overtaking from the left, no signal, no nothing!!! tere maa ki...... ? shit man... Oh, female driver. Stupid creature. Is my blue shirt ironed..... The presentation.... Eric... Have to give Eric that money. Poor guy. Hope there's chicken for dinner at home. Hope she's back already. Just need to get home. *SIGH* Oh thank god for home.....

"There are some books that refuse to be written. They stand their ground year after year and will not be persuaded. It isn't because the book is not there and worth being written -- it is only because the right form of the story does not present itself. There is only one right form for a story and if you fail to find that form, the story will not tell itself...."

A tiny lens in a machine....

I saw her standing there, trying hard not to cry,
Today there's a purple shadow around her right eye,
She comes on monday afternoons and friday nights,
There's always something new to mark the new fight.

He looks more than twelve and less than fifteen,
Straight hair, fair skinned and unmistakably feminine,
Comes in a group of ten, everyday at around one,
They push him around, grab his cash and run.

Thursday nights - a tanned guy with a silver nose ring,
Broad shoulders, long hair, a cuter version of Dhoni,
Smiles like he has a personal joke that he aint sharing,
Looks right at me, blows flying kisses just before leaving.

Chinky old uncle with his 3 inches specs,
Has bout 10 strands of hair on his shiny bald head,
Something is definitely very wrong with his sight,
Punches his numbers ten times before he gets it right.

You must have visited an ATM machine,
What you don't see is the tiny camera within,
I'm the one behind the surveillence device and screen,
I know some of you a little, even though I'm unseen.

7 floors down.....

Sitting on the floor in front of the closet,
Looking at your shirts, many shades of russet,
Never did notice that your were so partial to brown,
Next to you I must have looked like a colourful clown,
I can almost feel you here as I hold ur soft cotton pants,
Remembering you wearing them during our last dance,
I'm folding your socks, the blacks with the blue,
Knowing if they're mismatched, it irritates you,
An intoxicating scent was brought in by this wind,
Your cologne was made to make women sin,
I see our bed at the corner of my eye,
A towel lies there, by now it must be dry,
Your Robert Ludlum's "The matarese countdown",
Is left at our nightstand, folded at page 121,
I'm still living with you in this room for two,
How I miss your constant instructions on what to do,
People think I'm crazy, sinking in suppressed sorrow,
I really am not that upset we didn't have our tomorrow,
You left me here with a roomful of memories,
I thought I could go on living like this for centuries,
Sometimes I can still feel you hugging me tight,
And those careless and clumsy, sleepy kisses at night,
Just coz I love you, it doesn't mean you're off the hook,
I'm still angry that you didn't teach me how to fish and to cook,
What am I doing alone, answer me if you can,
What now mr perfectionist, what happen to your fool-proof plan,
Our account book is not done, but the bills are paid,
You know I hate numbers, oh! and I've sacked the maid,
Living like this, surrounded by everything that's you,
The temptation to come to you is killing me too,
One day in this room when your scent is not found,
I'll put my feet at the balcony railing to make my final jump.

Say it isn't so.......

Sunday morning, "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" marathon on tv. She was leaning against him, he had his arms around her.

She: What would you do if I die?
He: *silence*
She: Tell... tell.... what would you do?
He: Are you trying to pick a fight with me by asking this unbelievably stupid question?
She: Are you trying to pick a fight by being unbelievably rude?
He: *keeps quiet & starts flipping the channels*
She: I was watching that....

She gets up and sits on a different couch, letting the distance tell what her voice isn't. That she is angry and irritated and she wants him to feel the same. Angry. Irritated. It isn't fair!

She: Will you marry someone else?
He: *silence*
She: Coz I don't mind you know... coz you should, move on.
He: *silence*
She: After a decent amount of mourning period...
He: *silence*
She: Will you tell her about me?
He: Who?
She: Your wife. Do you plan on telling her about me?
He: I'm not planning anything. Can you please stop this crap and listen to Chandler....
She: It is really your wish. You can..... like, not tell her as well.
He: *silence*
She : But you cannot use the names that I have picked for our kids. Though I won't be having any if I die.
He: *silence*

She waited till the end of the episode.... Rachel and Ross kissed, his ex was bald, the gang left the beach...

She: Will you miss me if I die?
He: *silence*
She: Tell na..... At least the fights? Or my terrible cooking? Hehehehe....
He: We haven't fought for the past 7 days. Is that too long a fight-free period?
She: Whoa... where is that coming from..?
He: You just died, married me off to somene else, have me have kids, warned me not to use the names that you have already picked for the kids that you think you are not going to have..... all in your imagination. What the hell is wrong with you?
She: *silence*
He: Match is starting.... lets watch this ok.

She: I might be dying. That's what's wrong with me. I don't have the courage to open the sealed report that I got from the oncologist today. I'm afraid of what I might find in there. I don't have the heart to tell you what my "hair treatment" appointments have really been. I wish I could just sit with you and watch "Friends" or a cricket match, carelessly, carefree. And not think about medical reports.
Most of all, I am scared to die. That is what's wrong with me.

He: What's wrong...? *frown*
She: Can I ask you something?
He: As long as it isn't your million dollar silly questions...! *laughs nervously*
She: What would you do if I die....?

"starry starry night...."

The sound that echoed in the field,
The lead pellets that are buried in his chest still,
Were his savior, for he, they did not kill.
Though the shot was deadly,
Still the blood had flown very slowly,
His body took 2 days to stop its bloody cry,
In the end it understood his need,
His desperation to rise and to fly.
He crossed over, leaped into the unseen,
It was alot more than what he had imagined,
Was nowhere close to where he had been,
Brighter were the stars, bluer are the skies,
Better than his beautiful "Starry night",
He saw the sun rising over the mountains,
And slowly sinking into an ocean so wide,
A place to fall in love with, he had found,
The seas that don't beckon him to drown,
Or the hills that don't entice him to die,
Flowers that sing, colours that are alive,
Seas and trees were teasing him to again try,
12 sunflowers and lilacs, daisies and daffodils,
Sunset village, autumn lanes and old windmills,
Falling leaves, willows, hills and wheat fields,
Rivers that flow, landscape of snow,
Everything reincarnated, where he chose to go.
"fatal circumstances" and all that he had to see,
In the time he was here before he had to leave,
A grieving brother, in a lethal sorrow he sank deep.
On the walls and in our hearts he shall be,
In heaven made by angels,
is where he shall forever sleep.....
Though it was a life that defines tragic,
All he left behind was framed up magic....

(vincent van gogh.... birth of an art....)

Adrenaline rush.....

Our eyes met across the hall,

He was so handsome and so tall,

I knew what was on his mind,

His lazy smile said it all,

There was no need for the ice to be broken,

Anyhow it was quickly melting,

In the heat of crazy anticipation,

I could feel my weak heart racing,

As I nervously sat there with my palms sweating,

And my hands uncontrollably shaking,

My traitorous eyes, the secrets they were revealing,

It was pin-drop silence,

All I heard was the loud clock ticking,

I started hyperventilating,

Precious seconds, precious minutes were passing,

He took his own sweet time walking,

An unmistakable swagger,

His light brown eyes were shooting warning daggers,

A single finger swept across the back of my chair,

His words were barely heard, whispered breath,

With lips slightly parted, he softly said,

Dripping with sarcasm was his stupid drawl,

I was tempted to kick him,

If only he wasn't the invigilator of the hall,

He said, "Do not copy, this is a university exam.

Your fear is so damn obvious, you're inexperienced, my friend.

Your buddy behind you, he's an expert, learn from him,

Its taken me 2 long hours,

To detect the handsfree that he has been using,"

Though scared, I tried to smile, all I wanted to do was cry,

This lame attempt at cheating, something I'll never wanna try.

black........

In the alley of darkness and shadows I walk,

Into a bottomless abyss is where I fall,

I scrape my soul as I slowly crawl,

Out of the depth of this blackhole.

The shelf-life of my being was cut to half,

Into the bright light I did not walk,

The way I was living, I did not want,

The kind that was filled with thunderstorm,

Choked with emotions, I couldn't breathe,

Ran out of air, I couldn't speak,

Thumps of my heart were agonizing beats,

Nothingness was my safe retreat.

The only difference between living and dead,

Is I lost my body and nothing else,

Blind, I still see... dead and I still breathe,

Numb, I still feel... for me everything is still real,

When I cried, no one wiped away my invisible tears,

Though I tried, I couldn't fight away all of my fears,

I have been fighting with me all of these years,

Now the deafening silence of the stillness is all I hear.

I hurt so deep yet there is no pain,

I have been bleeding for so long from within,

The rip in my heart was like a phantom limb,

Shearing pain of a nonexistent being,

To fly free from this ache, from this life I had to run,

I trip, I stumble, into myself I drowned,

My escape from myself, from everything and everyone,

I didn't know what else to do, except for what I had done,

Like a fallen angel, my soul cursed with my sins,

I hope one day HE would take me with him,

From the grey clouds I rise to the darker skies above,

Now all I see is black, the kind of black no one deserves.

*Even though I walk through valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

(credit goes to "slipperythoughts" for having written BLACK and for being my inspiration....)
  http://daffodilsndaisies.blogspot.com/2010/02/black.html

India 298, South Africa- all out

India vs South Africa.....
I come home and see him sitting without a shirt, happy with the match so far.
I think, "Hmmm....nice body...".
South Africa starts scoring like crazy....
He says, "You step into the house and India is on the verge of losing... you r jinxed".
I said, "Do you want me to stand outside or you wanna cross your fingers?"
He crossed his fingers and so did I.
Praveen Kumar steps in....
"Is it a 4 or a 3....?"
He says, "I should be there on the field. You know... I should have been..."
Yeah... you and every indian man I know.


(There was this moment there, I was wondering what would happen when a blog junkie marries a cricket junkie. One plastered onto the computer screen and the other onto the tv screen. )


India wins.... South Africa.... ALL OUT!


He yells!!!! I scream!!!!  INDIA WON!!!
In my head I say, instead of paying 1 K to watch these matches on tv, I am gonna take a flight to India for one live experience of IPL.
It's gonna be one hell of an experience.. :-)

There's a stranger behind my reflection in the mirror.....

Suddenly you realize, a stranger is your everything, and with him with you, your can conquer anything. There is a storm of sms's. Your heart does a tango everytime his names flashes on your screen. You move away from your group of friends to answer his call b'coz you don't want the mushiness to embarrass you and you certainly want to flirt in private. There are flowers on every occasion, chocolates at appropriate times, "I love you'" and "I miss you" are the most used phrases of the day. You are allowed to be fashionably late, and his "you're late!!!" is said with tongue in cheek and a smile on his handsome face. All your thoughts revolve around him and you try to make time for other things, which includes your weighty 20 kg books.


The late night bike rides (slow rides, lest the wind will carry your words away) are filled with jests and jokes. There is too much to say, too much of thoughts to transfer and never enough time. You share all, important and miniscule matters. Your success and failures, how you scraped your knee in 10th grade, your first crush, why you worry abour your brother, why you fought with your mum, how you miss your dog. All the tiny details, he has to know. Because you want him to know you. What made and makes you ".you". And when he talks, you not only hear but listen to him. Because "he", you want to "know". The papercut on your index finger is his biggest concern and he remembers it the day after even if you have forgotten. Cooking together is a fun event, shopping was a chance to hold hands. You bake a cake with icing that is so ugly, yet he says, "But it taste so good. Seriously!". When he whips up something in your kitchen and waits like a pup for approval, you state the obvious, "Excellant. Unbelievable!".


Days turn into nights, hot summer nights give way to winter & rain, you live through your exams and mood swings, you slowly move away from your girlish dreams. And the pink screen that you see the world through fades away. The flowers don't come so frequently, the number of fights increases in frequency, some dates are forgotten, cooking becomes a burden. You eat in front of the tv, the conversations are short otherwise barely, drives to work is accompanied by absolute silence from both, with the morning Dj cracking silly jokes. The only friends you have are the ones whom you occasionally chat with on the net. You are on your feet at work the entire day, so many things require your attention there, there are bills to pay and you forget the bread and milk on your way. Falling into a crazy routine, you attempt to make room for him. To your "splitting headache", he says have an aspirin, when you delay he says, "you're late...", he bacomes grim. Your jokes revolve around work, and somewhere between the lines of the scanty conversations, you hope there is still love.


When he starts about his promiscuous friend, you know how is "You won't believe what Rahul......" is going to end. He finishes most of your sentences or else he responds with a "hhmmmm...". When you hit the bed in exhaustion, all you look forward to is some comforting hugging and none of the passionate kissing. The butterflies have flown away to someone else's stomach, maybe a girl's who sees the world through a screen that's pink and her heart flip flops with ectopic beats.


Then, you realize a truth that has been staring at you all along. What you thought love was, wasn't it. What you have now is complex, yet it's simple... it's nothing but a crochet of responsibilities, care, honesty and loyalty made out of a single thread of love.  You don't mind the infrequent flowers because this is a matured silent love that he showers. The "silence" is a verb, an understanding deed, when he knows a wordless comforting time is in need. You wake up everyday, and you make a choice to stay. You make a choice to be with each other, to commit to one another, to commit to this new life you've bulit together. This is where you find your unconditional security. You face your problems and you face your fears, because there is that pair of hands on your back, should you fall. Suddenly you realize that he who was a stranger is now your everything and with him with you, you can conquer anything.

de-addiction...

I have to stop blogging, blog-rolling, blog-following, post-commenting, everything "blog".
How do I recover fr this blogaddiction.
argh!

what do you tell.....?

What do you tell a man who loves you inspite all your flaws,
Who loves you no matter what you do or say,
What do you tell a man who never says no to you,
Regardless of how ridiculous your requests and wants may be,
What do you tell a man who quits his job, uproots himself from everything that he ever knew,
And flies thousands of miles into an unknown future just to be with you.
What do you tell a man who loves your family and prays for your family,
A family that had rejected him time and again.
What do you tell a man who would rather hurt himself than hurt you,
Because he thinks he is tougher and can handle it, but never lets you know how much he's hurting.
What do you tell a man who spends all his hard earned money on a trip to see you,
To console you, coz you are depressed at your work.
What do you tell a man who has only one answer to explain all his crazy actions,
And to him it is very simple, "coz I love her..".
You wanna know what you tell such a man?
You say thank you.
You say, baby, for all that you have given me, and for all that is to come in the future..... thank you.
No promises of  "no more fights", "no more arguments", "no more hurting each other"...... our future is gonna be full of fights, mostly b'coz of me, lotsa up's n down's. But I promise you it will be an adventure, and thank you for being a part of it all.
Happy V day.

For d kid who had to.... "go stand out..." ;-)

I scrolled thru all the comments,
Expecting nothin special in its content,
But somethin new and cute (?) was sent,
I had no idea what was her intent.


I wondered if she was mocking me,
Or were there hidden compliments tht I cudn't see,
Either way, I decided to reply back with glee,
To the one who took time to ridicule me.


I write things dark, sometimes I write em bright,
Most are crappy stuff tht I scribble at nite,
Then I read her writings, n I ask why do I even try,
I paled in comparison, she's so much more than just "alrite".


Her words made me smile, sum made me sigh,
She was a the writer, everythin of her's I liked,
Outta curiosity, I checked out her profile,
SHE is a HE.... "a talented male??!!!", loudly I cried.....
lol.......

If these walls could talk....

If these walls could talk,
What would they say,
Would they keep all our secrets,
Or would they give them all away.


Would they have seen me next to you,
Watching you till the break of dawn,
Seeing you smile in you sleep,
Or a bad dream that makes you frown.


Would they remember the day you left me,
Would they know how my heart was almost torn,
Do they know what I pretended not to,
That someday soon you'd be gone.


If these walls could hear,
Would they have heard me beggin' you to stay,
Helped me keep those doors closed,
Would they have stopped you from slipping away.


If these walls could talk,
They would tell me not to cry,
They'd tell me to be alright,
They would surely help me hide.


If these doors could talk,
They'd tell me I'm lonely but not alone,
I know within these four walls,I'm by myself,,
But sometime I feel I'm not on my own.


If these walls could walk,
They will close up on me and let me fly,
When they hear me cry at night,
And they will know that I have finally lost this fight.


These walls are shaking from all of our mistakes,
I can still hear your slamming of the door on my face,
But baby, I have no regrets as I crumble in this place,
This house we built, this home that we had once made.

hey you.... yeah you....

Hey you... yeah you....
How did you.... why did you land on my page?
What are you looking for?
Some kinda fun post to make ur day?
Something sad and cold, that would feed your grieving soul?
Or somethin that might make you sit up and say,
"Damn this is good, wish I had written it this way.."?


Hey you... yeah you....
Is it weird that I am talking to you?
This creepy conversation across time n space...
My one way conversation that may go nowhere...
I know I'm a stranger without a face...
Do you wonder whats next that I might say,
Do you wonder at all in the first place....


Hey you... yup... you...
Maybe thru these pages we will become friends,
Maybe this friendship someday would take a forward leap,
Each other's secrets we will keep,
Maybe someday somewhere we'd accidentally meet,
Not knowing this virtual connection that once had run deep,
Then again, maybe we aren't meant to be.... ;-)


Do you sit on the other side and wonder about me too,
The way I wonder who is reading all this, who are you,
I wonder if some of these lines make you smile,
Or did I write something that made you sigh,
Do I make you want to know me,
Your thought, your reactions, I wish I could see.


Hey you... arre baba... yes, you....
Do you know when I put these thoughts into words,
And weave these words and call it a "post",
I feel happy for having created something without a cost.
But I'm better when you come and read these stuff I've scribbled,
And leave without even sayin' a word,
I delude myself into thinkin' that you got ur 2 mins worth.

I must be doin somethin right....

After 4 years of trials and troubles,
You are still here with me every night,
After all the wrongs in my life,
Did I finally do something right...


I know you found me at a wrong time,
The most testing phase of my life,
I almost killed you with my fights,
Why did u stay, what did I do right....


Inspite of the hurdles that were thrown our side,
You never gave up and held on tight,
You acted like a guardian to a spoilt child,
Why do u always do whats right....


Outta my death, u made me come alive, 
Outta the darkness, you brought me light,
I was wrecked, wretched & wronged,
Why did u wanna make me right...


It used to be heartbreak and hurt,
Now in your eyes I only see light, 
We make each other breathe,
Then we must to be doing something right....


Beautifully magical & magically beautiful is our life,
Now even at night I only see the stars shining bright,
If I have been given someone like you,
I really must have done something right....


You are my heart's only truth,
I'm so glad I still have you,
Since you never left my side,
I know I must be doin somethin right.

Nothing that becomes everything.....

She stood alone, hesitated at the threshold of that sterile environment. She wasn't sure, she wasn't thinking straight, didn't know right from wrong anymore. She had told him exactly that.

He had said that he would stand by her no matter what her decision was, but he also said that they weren't ready, it wasn't the right time, they may not even be together later on..... nothing was for sure. Uncertainities were many, risks were high, guarantee..... none. He told her if she were to go ahead, it was nothing. Nothing has formed yet, it was nothing really... almost nothing in her. But right now, she felt like nothing was everything.

They stood there, hardly much distance between them, they were worlds apart in thoughts. He looked at her standing there, looking lonely, innocent and helpless. He saw her toes curl, eyes brimming with tears, fisted hands. He really looked at her. His eyes spoke volumes. They were beyond words. He wished she would just turn around and walk into the room and spare him this moment. She did.

It took them exactly 42 mins. 42 mins that would change their lives forever. She was numb waist and below. He said the worst is over. It was just the beginning. She would have felt better if she had felt any pain at all. Pain that would have given some relief. She would have felt like she paid a price for what they had done. But she felt nothing. Physically, she had become exactly how she was before, inside she was unbelievably broken. It had felt like the most logical, practical thing to do... but that was yesterday. They never knew what went wrong. They were cautious, they were careful. Yet...

She stood alone, hesitated at the threshold of that sterile environment. 4 years and 2 months and 4 miscarriages later, here they were again. For a procedure that would help them keep it this time. Hoping and praying. Not to take it away from them. Something they had so cruelly ripped off and discarded before. She looked at him accross the threshold. His eyes spoke volumes. They were beyond words. Both of them thinking the same thoughts, saying the same silent prayer.... to let that tiny heart continue beating for another few months. To let him stay inside her for just awhile longer, till they can hold him and keep him safe. They prayed for another 6 months.

Epicurus

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for..."

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?

Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able , but not willing?

The he is malevolent.

Is he both able, and willing?

Then whence cometh evil?

Is he neither able nor willing?

Then why call him God."