She stood alone, hesitated at the threshold of that sterile environment. She wasn't sure, she wasn't thinking straight, didn't know right from wrong anymore. She had told him exactly that.
He had said that he would stand by her no matter what her decision was, but he also said that they weren't ready, it wasn't the right time, they may not even be together later on..... nothing was for sure. Uncertainities were many, risks were high, guarantee..... none. He told her if she were to go ahead, it was nothing. Nothing has formed yet, it was nothing really... almost nothing in her. But right now, she felt like nothing was everything.
They stood there, hardly much distance between them, they were worlds apart in thoughts. He looked at her standing there, looking lonely, innocent and helpless. He saw her toes curl, eyes brimming with tears, fisted hands. He really looked at her. His eyes spoke volumes. They were beyond words. He wished she would just turn around and walk into the room and spare him this moment. She did.
It took them exactly 42 mins. 42 mins that would change their lives forever. She was numb waist and below. He said the worst is over. It was just the beginning. She would have felt better if she had felt any pain at all. Pain that would have given some relief. She would have felt like she paid a price for what they had done. But she felt nothing. Physically, she had become exactly how she was before, inside she was unbelievably broken. It had felt like the most logical, practical thing to do... but that was yesterday. They never knew what went wrong. They were cautious, they were careful. Yet...
She stood alone, hesitated at the threshold of that sterile environment. 4 years and 2 months and 4 miscarriages later, here they were again. For a procedure that would help them keep it this time. Hoping and praying. Not to take it away from them. Something they had so cruelly ripped off and discarded before. She looked at him accross the threshold. His eyes spoke volumes. They were beyond words. Both of them thinking the same thoughts, saying the same silent prayer.... to let that tiny heart continue beating for another few months. To let him stay inside her for just awhile longer, till they can hold him and keep him safe. They prayed for another 6 months.